I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think I won the penis lottery.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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