he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
