i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
