If you're really into hairy Serbian chicks, Cleveland has a lot to offer(216): We're going to cougar night, the serbian chicks are the best aged.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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