I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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