we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
