I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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