if i can run in heels then i can drive
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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