You smell like stripper and shame
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
