Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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