we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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