Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
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