She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
