i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
