my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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