Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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