Your tits are I can't wait for
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
