i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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