Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
