I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
