I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
