"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
