I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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