I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize