So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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