Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
