saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
