he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
