My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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