Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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