I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
