You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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