I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
