How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
