There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
