Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
