glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
