I'm eating all of the evidence.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
50% drunk capacity currently
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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