im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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