I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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