i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
