I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
