she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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