i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
