i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
