I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
