I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
