I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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