I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
