The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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