just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
