The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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